Transactional Relationships: The Impact of Conditional Love

Are you or someone you know transactional in your relationships? If so, you may deserve compensation. 😩😐😂🤷🏾

It’s not uncommon to come across or be an individual with a transactional mindset in their relationships. They view actions taken through a lens of giving to get benefits, what is owed to them, a focus on what they get, and a you-vs-me point of view. While it’s natural to expect relational reciprocity, dealing with a purely transactional person can be challenging and emotionally draining.

Let’s explore the characteristics of transactional people and provide insights on how to identify and respond to such individuals effectively.

Love is an earned reward based on good behavior: Transactional people believe that love and affection must be earned through good behavior. This mindset stems from conditional love they may have experienced in their upbringing, where they learned to associate love with behaving well. Consequently, their interactions are often influenced by a need for approval and validation. It is hard for a transactional person to grasp that love is unconditional whether you’re a good girl/boy or not.
Over-indexing and reliance on authority: Transactional individuals find it hard to generate innovative ideas or take independent action unless it has received approval from a perceived authority figure. This dependency on external validation hampers their ability to trust their own judgment and make decisions autonomously. It may also make them downplay your judgement if you are not deemed an authority.
Difficulty addressing authority faults: While transactional people may criticize faults in authority figures, they often struggle to express their discontent directly towards those figures. The fear of losing love and approval from authority causes their frustration to manifest toward others, particularly those they perceive as the source of the problem.
Unrealistic expectations: Transactional individuals approach situations with unrealistic expectations, often failing to understand the true nature of reciprocity. They may offer assistance or favors for brief periods without establishing clear expectations or effective communication. Consequently, when their efforts go unreciprocated, they can become frustrated and express their disappointment aggressively.
Entitlement and owed obligations: A key characteristic of transactional people is their belief that they are owed something in return for their actions. Statements like “after everything I’ve done for you” or listing out past favors are common expressions, reflecting their transactional mindset. They expect a reciprocal response, and when they feel owed, their behavior can become demanding and resentful.
Difficulty collaborating: Transactional individuals find it challenging to work harmoniously with others because they perceive relationships as competitive opportunities to earn a scarce supply of love and validation. This mindset can hinder effective collaboration and create a sense of constant competition, undermining the potential for genuine connection and cooperation.
Superficial displays of character: While transactional people may demonstrate basic human decency and treat others well, their actions are driven by a desire to receive something in return. They expectation is they are a good boy/girl and then later get to cash in on that behavior with what you owe them. Their behavior does not stem from a genuine place of kindness or empathy but rather from an expectation of payback.
Self-esteem and confidence struggles: Individuals with this mindset can struggle with self-esteem and confidence. They constantly need to prove their worth and work hard for validation, making it challenging to develop a healthy sense of self-worth and recognize their intrinsic value as individuals without conditions attached. This inability also bleeds over into an inability to value others without them earning it first.

Whether you recognize these traits in yourself or others, it’s important to address these tendencies and seek professional help to begin healing. If you find yourself interaction with a transactional person who is not committed to growth I recommend:
1. Changing your proximity to them or their access to you

2. Changing how you respond to them

3. Implementing and enforcing updated boundaries to ensure your emotional well-being.

I hope this prompts you to reflect on your own way of showing up in relationships. By understanding the characteristics and dynamics of transactional people, we can navigate these relationships more effectively and foster healthier connections. Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section below. If you’re a Black woman on a healing journey, consider joining my “Find Your Light” coaching community on Facebook.