If He Wanted to He Would ~ Intention vs. Capacity

Understanding Intentions and Capacity in Relationships

One of the most impactful lessons I’ve learned as I’ve grown is the importance of understanding the difference between intention and capacity. This knowledge has helped me regulate, self-control, and navigate relationships in a healthier way.

Let’s explore the impact of assuming negative intentions and the significance of recognizing one’s capacity in interactions with others.

As children, we often perceive the world through a simple lens of cause and effect. When something negative happens, we naturally assign negative intentions to the person responsible. This reaction stems from our survival instincts as we try to make sense of the world around us and, of course, avoid future negative experiences.

Unfortunately, this perspective can stagnate and persist into adulthood, leading us to believe that whenever someone does something harmful, it is intentional and premeditated.

However, as we mature, I invite you to question this perception.

Rather than assuming negative intentions, let’s consider the concept of CAPACITY shall we? People operate within certain limits on their journeys, and sometimes, their actions may be limited by their own capacity, regardless of their intentions.

The realization of this distinction came to me in my 30s, and it changed the way I viewed interactions with others. Instead of assuming malicious intent, I began to understand that individuals may genuinely want to change or act differently but lack the capacity to do so.

The saying “If he wanted to, he would” is popularly used to convey that if someone truly cared about you, they would treat you well. While there is some truth to this sentiment, it overlooks the complexities of human behavior and the concept of capacity.

Some people may want to treat you well, but face emotional or psychological barriers that prevent them from doing so. Shoo, sometimes I want to treat someone well or show up as a better version of myself, and I fail todo so because *I* lack the emotional and psychological capabilities at that time. Recognizing these nuances allows us to avoid generalizing others’ actions based solely on their intentions AND, even more important, making everything about us. Everyone is not out to get us, people are peopling the bet they can. That is their capacity. That is their best in that moment.

To show up in the world with maturity and compassion, we must release the notion that everything is intentional and directed against us. Instead, let’s practice discerning someone’s capacity in the moment, and using that to decide how we will respect our own boundaries, and interact with them, or not, moving forward.

By letting go of the assumption that negative actions are always intentional and embracing the concept of capacity, we open to greater empathy and understanding and can foster healthier relationships, and make more informed decisions about the people we choose to have in our lives.

I hope this prompts you to reflect on how you navigate your own relationships and create meaningful connections with like-minded people. Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section below. If you’re a Black woman on a healing journey, consider joining my “Find Your Light” coaching community on Facebook.

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👉🏾 𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚕𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚌𝚘𝚊𝚌𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚖𝚞𝚗𝚒𝚝𝚢 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚋𝚕𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚠𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚗 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐