“YOU & THIS garbage are what is wrong with the world.”

I have someone wilding out in my comments (what’s new 🙃) and it made me think of something I want to share with you. 😘 

I typically ignore folks doing the most in video comments and my inboxes because yo girl is booked and busy but today I had time lol (plus it lends to a teachable moment for us all). 

Q: Do you have the ability/capacity to hold space for another person’s experiences and perspectives without deregulating or even agreeing? 

This concept is called differentiation. 

When explaining differentiation to my coaching group I tell them it’s the ability to interact with others and allow for a different perspective or experience than you are having while remaining peaceful and regulated. They can be them, you can be you, you can remain close, and neither of you feels threatened by … being different.  

When you get this concept it will free you.  

You will no longer feel the need to keep explaining yourself, beg for agreement, or fight for your experience or perspective to be heard and validated.  You realize that agreement and understanding are two separate things and you can offer understanding to someone else without agreeing and vice versa.

This is a mature way of existing and communicating.  It also allows you to approach those having different experiences with more grace and respect because you don’t feel threatened. They aren’t bad people or malicious, they are just different.  If you are advanced you can begin to understand that people won’t always bring their pain to you in a pretty package and you can learn to give the grace you hope will be given to you one day when you might could be wildin out somewhere (yes might could). 🤷🏾 

Anyhoo, back to ole girl flippin out in my comments … 

As you all know I make funny and inspiring videos and post them on Al Gore’s internet.  In one of the videos, I recorded myself reacting to a woman being spit on. 

Yes spit. on. 😐😑 

There were a lot of components to process seeing it for the 1st time (which is how I filmed my reaction video) but to name a few it was a younger black woman (possibly a caretaker) washing dishes while an older white woman (possibly with dementia) spit on her multiple times unprovoked. 

😐😑 

For what I think are obvious reasons this was hard for me to watch/process and my reaction in the video showed it.   A lot of (predominantly black women who are my audience) came in and shared their thoughts and of course, the majority of them had the same unsettled reaction that incorporated race because seeing an old white woman spit on a young black woman will do that to you. 😩 #criesintheancestors

Someone came in and respectfully stated that they didn’t think race had anything to do with it and believed it was 100% dementia-related.  We chatted back and forth, didn’t totally agree, and left off at understanding then went on with our lives.  

That was weeks ago. 

Then a couple of days ago ole girl comes in (quite disrespectfully) and called me crazy, hateful, and horrible for suggesting that race could have anything to do with the older lady’s behavior.  I was told I didn’t know what I was talking about, I would respond hatefully and delete her comment (I did not), I’d never had direct experience with dementia (untrue and noted previously in respectful discussion), I was just being sorry for myself,  my video was the reason that hateful racism exists, and “YOU  and THIS garbage are what is wrong with the world” among other festive things. 🥳 #goodtimes 

Both disagreeing voices, the respectful differentiated one and the disrespectful undifferentiated one were both white women in a sea of black women. (Fun yet unfortunate fact: over the years the most abusive comments and DMs I receive typically are from white women and that’s really sad huh?) 

Anyhoo …  

After watching what happened with Sheryl Underwood and Sharon Osborne this week on The Talk I felt this post could be of some assistance to anyone with a heart to grow, white, black, polka dot, or what have you, in learning how to hold space for and not dictate the experience of another person that you don’t agree with.  

Anytime someone says something that you have never experienced or that your life has never offered the same perspective on just breathe, it’s ok. It doesn’t mean that your experience doesn’t exist, it means they are giving you the gift of looking at it through another lens. Maybe you have never had that experience because you’ve never walked the earth in their body so it shouldn’t shock you ’cause how could you know? You don’t have to agree or disagree. You just have to know it and learn that it exists.

So, for example, when you see someone else sharing their experience hold space for it, listen, and learn.  If you choose to talk to them do so with respect and grace out of your ignorance, not out of your absolute-mine-is-the-only-POV-that-is-valid perspective.   What you can learn is that you’ve never had to look through their eyes and don’t know how the world treats them when you walk out the door in their body with their life therefore you get to live a life where you don’t have to consider the race, gender, ability, sexuality, religion, age, etc. components of the world and they do. 

Das all you can learn boo boo. 

I wish we spent more time, mourning that racism and sexism and all these -isms exist and less time jumping down people’s throats, when they clear them, speak up, and tell us their experiences or points of view. 

I wish. 

I also wish ole girl would unfollow me like she said she would and move on ’cause watching the lady spit on the other lady and then having this lady basically verbally spit on me for reacting to it is … well … the experience of the black woman on a daily I suppose. 🤷🏾. (Also, if she comes back again she ’boutsta get blickity blocked #becauseboundarieschild 🥴🧘🏾)

Anyhoo … if you want to see my moisturized face in my best beauty supply turban telling you this story join my Find Your Light coaching community and watch the video I did live talking about it there.  🍍👑✨ 

If you’d like to work with me as your coach find out how here: glamazini.com/coaching

Check out this video for a bit more on this concept. 

As always, I remain immensely grateful for every single one of you. May we all grow with intention and be better than we were yesterday.

Be well, be encouraged,