How to Tell Friends About Divorce
January 31, 2014 – I wrote this post a few years ago, got negative feedback in the comments and eventually hid it after over a year of being published. I was thinking about this topic recently and hence, this post, and decided to republish it because I think the discussion is valid. I reread what I wrote and, like it or not, I still feel much the same way with a smidge more compassion and a lot more indifference. I can see how I seemed negative to some, but I still stand by this post as the perspective of a 3rd party affected by a divorce. I believe people forget that others deal with the end of a marriage beyond the two people involved and they want to think it doesn’t affect others when it so does … so I’m gonna leave the post up and let the conversation continue. Like I said below “Ultimately it’s between the two people involved and God”.
January 26, 2016 – Quick update. I spoke to my close friend over a year ago and had a real heart-to-heart that brought tears, apologies, closure and healing. We’re ok now, not the same, but ok.
June 11, 2023 ~ Update: I cannot believe I cared about this that much *but* also when I penned this post I was 35, on the 1st update I was 37, then 39, and now 47. Divorce happens. It hurts everyone involved including the friends of those getting divorced. I’ve done so much work and am so much more regulated and realistic about friendships and relationships in general that this is no longer a thing I would care about. That said, I’m still happy I penned it because it’s a record of my evolution and growth. Oh and the way you tell a friend about divorce is … you tell them … with kindness understanding that, although they clearly aren’t as affected as you are, they are affected. That’s really it.
Recently a person in my life shared with me that they and their spouse are getting a divorce. This was not the first time I had heard such news (and I doubt it will be the last). Unfortunately, in today’s climate, it has become common, and, if you haven’t heard it from someone yet (or had to give it) you just wait, it’s coming. This makes me very sad because I have a passion for healthy relationships and NEVER want to see a marriage end. Ultimately it’s between the two people involved and God. My matter is my own marriage/relationships and fighting (yes I consider it a fight) to keep it strong and flourishing amidst this cultural counter-current.
But that, my readers, is not what this post is about. (yes I know I started a sentence with “but” … deal … focus … I’m going somewhere). This post is about HOW to tell a friend that you are getting a divorce.
A few years ago I a person I considered a close friend shared that they had already gotten a divorce from their spouse and were moving out of state. They did so by sending a group email a week before their move. Needless to say, the way that news was delivered sucked. It was highly extremely hurtful, considering the level of friendship I thought we had. The most recent announcement was also given to me quite matter-of-factly but not from a “core” friend, so I guess that was more appropriate (I guess).
Please chime in! What are your thoughts on how friends should be told about a divorce?
Do you think the “level” of friendship should dictate the method of disclosure? Do you think it’s not anyone’s business, so who cares how friends find out? It breaks my heart how commonplace the announcement has become and how matter-o-factly I have been told. In my mind, it’s like a death had taken place, and I’m being told, “Ooh, that shirt looks cute on you, you should get a matching shrug from Old Navy … oh, and I’m getting a divorce … you know, if you hurry they are $6 all weekend long”. No.
Maybe I’m old school. Sheesh, let me down easy.
Life, Liberty & The Pursuit of Nappyness,
• • • • •
Roshini Cope
Roshini Cope, aka Glamazini, is a life coach and video creator who gained a following for her natural hair tutorials, which evolved into authentic personal stories of healing with a consistent dash of humor. She is a black woman healing helping other black women heal, expand their self-awareness, reclaim their joy, and create the life they want. Work with Roshini 🤎✨🤎
23 Comments
Cyn
My close girlfriend scheduled a night out to tell me of her separation. She also did the same w another close friend of hers (2 separate events). The trust and honor she bestowed on me to share such a painful time in her life… I was humbled. Today, we remember that day fondly. Not because she was “gettin’ a bad man outta her life,” but I truly believe it our 20+ yr friendship stronger. Not to mention, the food joints were the BOMB! 😉
Always sisters, always friends.
glamazini
@Cyn ————-
Consider yourself blessed beyond measure, what an awesome friend! “The trust and honor she bestowed on me to share such a painful time in her life… I was humbled.” that made me heart ache because of joy for you coupled with real and still present pain knowing that my ‘friend’ did not bestow that on me. Whew! Either way, thanks for the response. Blessed I tell ya.
Cyn
I do think the level of friendship dictates the method. Immediate family & close friends? Face to face, intimate.
Good friends, distant relations? An email ala press release- “We, A & B, have after many tears decided to… We cherish our time together & ask that you keep us in your prayers as we go thru….” If life are involved, add “we also ask that you respect the privacy of our family.”
Facebook friends? Start out removing relationship status from your every day. DON’T CHANGE IT! Start making your albums more restricted. Eventually, ppl may msg you that they noticed changes.
Roshini, I can’t believe you got me going in on this! ;-\ Sad topic though. :'(
glamazini
@Cyn ——————
You are dropping wisdom though so I appreciate it. I agree that the level of friendship should dictate the method of disclosure. I think the 2 examples I gave above just stunned me: one because I thought I was at the “face-to-face intimate” level and found out I was at the “group email blast” level *OUCH!* … the other because of how nonchalantly it was said (but I was at the group email level with this person so actually appreciated the face-to-face” disclosure HA! GO FIGURE!).
In this day and age I believe this discussion needs to be had seriously. People spend a lot of time and effort announcing their upcoming marriage to friends and family and including close friends. I’m not suggesting you send out Save The Dates for your divorce proceedings (although if you did I’d probably laugh my butt off *whew* ) but like I said in the post “sheeesh, let me down eeeeeeaaaaaaasy” LOL!
glamazini
I’m over here LMBO at “Save The Dates” for a divorce! BWAHAHAH!!! Somebody do it! I dare ya! Too funny *whew*
Q
I agree – the level of friendship should determine the method. With my really really close friends, I think I should have more advance warning knowledge of the struggles my friend is facing well in advance of any actual divorce proceedings. And then I would expect some face-to-face or 1-on-1 phone conversations when/if it gets to the point of filing for divorce.
If you’re a close friend (but not really really), I might not have the advance warning knowledge, but I would still expect some sort of face-to-face (even if it’s a small get together with a group of friends).
And well, if you send me a save-the-date via email or FB, or an after-the-fact “I’m Single Now” announcement, you better be in the bucket of folks I don’t really know all that well and I probably only got an after-the-fact announcement of your wedding anyway.
glamazini
Q ————–
Ok you bring up a good point that kinda parallels what I said above in the previous comment. “I probably only got an after-the-fact announcement of your wedding anyway” brings up the idea that people spend a lot of time, honoring folks with an invitation to see them join into a covenant and could potentially treat people in the same way when leaving one. For example, if people wouldn’t make it to your wedding invite list they probably don’t warrent much communication. If they would make it to the invite list how they are told could depend on their rank on that list (i.e. mother of the brind versus bridal party versus random attendee).
BTMW
I have had this happen twice and I understand your concerns and think this is a very interesting conversation. I am not married so I feel a bit remiss to have much of an opinion on how folks deal with this difficult issue. But here are the two scenarios I dealt with.
1- A close friend was having marital friends when we first met. He was very quiet about that at first but as the problems grew he started to let on a little bit. He would then just drop little bits of info here and there-“oh, I am on my way to get my daughter, she is staying with her grandmother and her mother in X city”. “oh, I need to meet up with X so we can do our taxes”. “oh, we have this court date”. But he never said “we separated,” or “we are getting a divorce”. I told him at some point when I realized what was happening “I am sorry things don’t seem to be getting any better, I keep praying for you all”. And I kept reassuring him of that whenever he would drop one of these little hints that the end was near. They finally did divorce, I have no idea how it really all went down. But one day he finally said, again, in a sort of dropping info from the sky type of way “my divorce is final”. We’ve talked more about it now that he is healing financially from it, dealing with two households etc. but while it was going on he was very mum. I feel like he had to go through that on his terms and despite our close friendship of 11 years, I didn’t want to pick at him. I will say this friend is out of state.
2- A less close friend handled his much differently. I see him every few weeks through a class and he was telling me about a recent ski trip. He was telling me about a funny situation on the trip and I laughed and asked if his wife saw it too. He then said matter of factly “Im divorced” and held up his hand which no longer bore a ring. I almost passed out. I stumbled and just said “I am so sorry”. He was nonchalant and said “Its ok, nothing bad happened, we’re just not married anymore”. We have never discussed it. And his wife also moved out of state. She has always traveled a lot to that other state for work and I am assuming that has something to do with it. They had been married for 4 years and together through college and graduate school.
Boy, sorry to write a novel, but I guess my perspective is that because divorce is so personal and painful, I have not felt appropriate to judge how it was communicated, even though I was somewhat hurt by both of these experiences.
glamazini
@BTMW ————–
Good points, thanks for sharing! As I read your #1 scenario I couldn’t help but think “dude seems like he has so much going on in his world right now it’s almost like he forgot he never told her what was going on” … if that makes sense. I had someone pull a “I told you I was gonna” after the fact akin to this and I was like “uh no boo, you did not” LOL!
I also like that you added “judge how it was communicated” to the mix. I can see that vantage point but it still sucks. As I was typing I thought “Would someone tell you their child died nonchalantly?” then as I was asking the question in my head I answered “Sure they would, if they were in so much shock and didn’t now how to tell people or were sick of having to say it over and over”.
I think I just got a new perspective on how someone could do it so blasé like. Wow! Thanks!
BTMW
One more thing to add to my novel. My close friend who never came right out and told me what was happening did mention months afterwards during one of our few more candid conversations that he feels “deeply ashamed”that his marriage did not work out. I think that has a lot to do with why people don’t want to communicate about the end of a relationship/divorce. It can be perceived or felt as failure. When people marry it is perceived as success which is why we all celebrate and people brag on it. I personally feel ashamed that I have not married yet (thats a whole nother conversation). So that is something else to consider, how the marriage divorce paradigm is socially constructed/perceived/experienced.
glamazini
@BTMW ——————–
That is an awesome point, thanks for sharing that!
Creole
I have a friend who I grew up with who didn’t tell me she had gotten divorced until after it was finalized. I think it was the shame and guilt she might have felt because she often rubbed her being the first of her friends to get married in our faces ALL THE TIME! I was sad for her but she said it was a long time coming and she only stayed in the marriage to keep up the facade.
Did I feel slighted that I didn’t find out until after? A little but I told her I always rooted for her marriage because they appeared to be a happy couple, but I guess if you’re on the outside looking in, you never know.
All in all though, I think it is up to the divorcing people to determine how they will relay their status to the people in their lives and considering it is really a personal matter, which involves them sorting out their own feelings about divorcing, we should allow them as much space and time to notify of their marital status.
glamazini
@Creole —————-
Great points, thanks for adding to the conversation. In the Virgin Islands we say “Come see me and come live with me is two different things”.
Stefanie
Divorce is definitely a hard topic, and I wouldn’t take the email personally because frankly your friend may not have known how else to say it. Not everyone is experienced with the gift of proper communication, especially when dealing with hurtful topics.
glamazini
I agree and must say these comments helped me understand a bit more.
Sue
Interesting topic even if a year later….
I think divorce is a very painful thing and it’s hard enough when you have to tell people. A friend of mine was having marital problems but kept it private, which is understandable of course. However, the wife started making calls to people who knew both of them asking all manner of questions about him… I will not go into too much detail but people soon realised something was amiss. They started living apart and eventually got a divorce. This is someone I knew from college, who I consider to be a good friend. I learned of the finalising of the divorce from someone else but did not take offence. I figured it was so painful, it’s hard to talk about.
On relationship status on FB: I’m one of those who would rather skip it entirely, i.e. none indicated. I figure people I am close to already know the goings-on in my life,so I don’t need to put every single detail on social media. I suppose it’s different if you’re married, there’s permanence there, hopefully at least!
I agree with BTMW, marriage is seen as success and divorce as failure. That is why some people will cling to relationships that have fallen apart or are unhealthy beyond repair–so as not to be seen as a failure. I have seen that sentiment expressed in another forum and I felt sad for the person.
glamazini
Thanks for commenting and adding to the discussion. I have to say, a year later, I understand it more and have more grace for the situation in general. Life is hard and when unexpected turns happen you can’t always expect people to include you in what really is their private lives. It’s ok now. 🙂
Jen
This is disgusting to read. Your friends are in hell.The person in their life who was their forever husband is divorcing them. If they have kids it is worse. Far worse then you can imagine it is. Having to hand over your child for days/weeks at a time? They most likely loose their house or way of living. When it is final no matter how bad if a man he was you mourn. They were the ones in the wedding dress walking down the aisle. They mourn that. So on top over EVERYTHING else you are going to call them out on your pain?? Really??? After they just list so much and are most likely in survival mode? This is NOT high school! This is LIFE! Be a friend when they are ready to talk. Send a note that you are there for them. Support them in what they have to do in this process. My Gosh the self serving people who are “hurt”. Give me a break. It is enough to have to retell everyone then to choose face to face ways vs the phone bullshit! Stop talking about your friend and hope to God you are not next in a divorce! !
glamazini
My feelings are my feelings just as yours are yours (concerning my post). As an aside no one said there were children involved nor did any one say their husbands were the initiators of the divorce. Like it or not, passionate or not, divorce hurts more people than just the 2 people in the couple and I am allowed to share my hurt.
CA
@ Jen… I agree with you 🙂
CA
How about responding to anothers news with nonjudgement and compassion. Nonjudgement because it is not your experience of divorce… It is theirs. And compassion for the suffering they must have gone through. There was probably a reason he/she did not want to share earlier… How about respecting their decision during this difficult time?
glamazini
Sure, I get that more NOW but still that is how I felt at the time so it’s as valid as their feelings because it is a true snapshot of how others may feel who are affected by the divorce.
Family Law
WOW!!! This is GREAT!!! Although I have recently been trying to see things this way…I never “really saw it.”–until you clarified it!! Thanks for the information.