How NOT to Cut A Mango aka That’s Not How Any Of This Works!!

Soooo I’m on Facebook the other day and I see a video roll through my timeline called “How To Cut A Mango“. The started out using a vegetable peeler.

*blink*

*blinkity blink*

The Virgin Islander in me was deeply disturbed in her spirit.

I jumped on camera and … well … here ya go!

How NOT to Cut A Mango aka That’s Not How Any Of This Works!!

You know it’s wrong when it starts off with a vegetable peeler. Now I know some people gon say it’s wrong when it starts out with “cut a mango.” Listen when I came up here to Missouri I started cutting mango … I got real fancy! Now at home, I don’t cut no mango.

You know I mean I from St. Thomas. You just have the mango in your hand, depending on what kind of mango you have, yo kidney mango you’re grafted mango. Mango in hand step one right? This tooth this tooth one two NIP! right? Yo go in … neck CLICK CLICK UHN to peel off a piece peel off a piece BOOM! If yo left-handed feel free to you this one that one okay. I’m not a dentist so I don’t know the
numbers. Then you just peelin’ off piece with your teeth of the skin and you eatin’ yeah? you do it you coming down you coming down you coming down.

If you are outside and proceed as normal because the way that the juice gon fall on your hand right … it’s going to come down right head on drip right off it you see? If you’re outside no worries. Now if yo inside you have about five to ten seconds to make your way to want to sink. Same process. God created it so that the natural juices will run down your hand like so right? You know while you eatin’ it just rolling right in skaboop skaboop skaboop!

Anyway.

If you have a grafted mango … this is for the advanced mango eater … this is not for the beginner. First step with a grafted mango is before you even open the mango you have to kind of molest it. You does just squeeze right? You’re trying to get it soft inside the skin … just rub it up like so. Leh deh mango know who’s boss! When you get it nice and soft in the skin then you proceed to the next steps right. Wha we teachin? One. two, neck pop! Then y’all with a grafted mango you don’t just suck.

*pause*

Suck it like one of those milk bags from elementary school! Pushing pushin’ mango meat up right? You got to make that face too.

Now if you’re an advanced, mature, professional, grafted mango eater you can have the whole mango dry inside the skin without any juice getting on your hand but listen … don’t try that at home because you might end up in the emergency room … it’s advance work! When yo lung collapse and yo end up in the emergency room with mangosuckatitis don’t bring them back to this post!

Do not try this at home.

Do not try this if you are an amateur.

Do not try it as you don’t know how to cut an avocado!

Use these techniques at your own risk.

Back to this video on Facebook. The video started out with a vegetable peeler. Theoretically, it sounds like a bad idea because if you pull off all the skin of the mango then the mango is going to be slippery! Yo got a naked mango slippery mango meat all in your hand you’re bound to cut your finger off. Why? When you knick the skin the skin does just peel off. What you need this extra tool for?
When I’m up here I just cut the mango. You know why I cut the mango when I’m up here? A little sidebar. I don’t know where these mango coming from in this grocery store?! Me’an kno wha kinda tough-hard-starchy mango these is! When I’m at home I walk out my door and I pick a mango off a tree. I’m driving down the street and there’s a guy on the side of the street selling mango, you see what I’m saying? My
father calls me and say “Roshini I got something down here for you” and when I get down there, it’s a box full of mango, sugar apple, it got guava in deh, a coconut. When I get up here now I don’t know if these mangoes are from Mexico? Are they from Nicaragua? Are these Peruvian? I mean the consistency is a *little different* so sometimes you need to cut it.

Back to the video y’all focus.

So they cut the mango in the video right? And then it said

“discard the center”

*crickets*

The thing in the middle of the mango is called a “SEED”. How it get to be the “center”?! That’s the best part of the mango! I mean you can fight me! The seed is the best part of the mango, you don’t discard that, you treasure that, you fight your siblings for that! You don’t need to seed but you eat the meat off of the around the seed okay? Hold mango in hand … meat and seed … take teeth top or bottom depending on your preference right? and go right in like Bugs Bunny AH! make sure that your teeth go straight to the meat to the seed AH! Top or bottom …YOU SCRAPE!

You does scrape with your teeth everybody know that!

You hook the top, you put the bottom teeth in, KAPOW! out like that right? and then you does scrape the meat off with yo teeth! How did they leave that important step out the video? Scrape the mango meat off of the seed with your teeth. That should have been on the screen … and don’t you dare put that seed down until all the yellow is gone. The seed needs to be beige it needs to look like it sat outside in the Sahara Desert for 27 years it needs to look like you put it in the oven and you baked it on high heat for 14 days when you’re finished with that mango seed otherwise don’t you dare “discard the center”!!

Anywho after they finished showing me this vegetable-peeler-discard-the-center-foolishness and throwing away the seed, they said to dice the mango meat and they put in a cute little bowl. The mango wasn’t even ripe! All yo take a look I can’t even okay wait let me get it together. Did you guys look at the mango that they used? The mango didn’t even look like it was fully ripe. I’m not fully acquainted with these stateside-Peruvian-Nicaraguan-import mangoes so maybe my eyes were deceiving me but when they diced the center-discarded-vegetable-peeler mango it didn’t even look like it was ripe!

Just sacrilege … me’ano buddy!