Moving Forward: 15 Things I’m Leaving Behind

15 Things I’m Chucking the Deuces At ✌🏾

I’m here to share with you 15+ things I’m leaving behind to inspire you to do the same as we continue on our journeys of healing, growth, and transformation.

Let’s talk about what I’m leaving behind (spoiler, and you can too) …

1. Leaving Behind What People Think of Me

I’m intentionally shedding concern for what people think about me. It’s a deeply ingrained notion rooted in our primal need for communal acceptance. But here’s the thing: when we’re children, it’s essential for our survival, yet as adults, it hinders creating the radically authentic life we are each designed to live.

Judgments are opinions based on others’ observations, beliefs, and values. People’s judgments are colored by their stories, perspectives, biases, preconceptions, stereotypes, trauma, and misunderstandings. When you spend your life striving for others’ approval, you’re living in a story that’s not your own. Living your authentic life means caring more about what you think about yourself than what others think. When you prioritize others’ opinions, you elevate their views and diminish your own. It’s a never-ending chase because you can never please everyone, so please God and please yourself.

2. Leaving Behind Shrinking – Not-Enoughness ~ Silencing Myself

It’s a season of shedding, and the second thing on my list is letting go of the tendency to shrink myself. I’m bidding adieu to not taking up enough space, not speaking up, and silencing myself. I recently underwent testing for ADHD, and the results were surprising. Ultimately, I was not diagnosed with ADHD, but during the evaluation, the psychologist conducted an IQ test, and to my surprise, I was operating above average in three out of four markers for IQ and was even in the 99th percentile in one of them!

Just wow.

The psychologist told me that my self-concept was low, and she re-diagnosed me with major depressive disorder—a diagnosis I had already received two decades ago. She emphasized that my low self-concept could be because I was operating at a higher cognitive function than most of the population, and, therefore, thought something was wrong with my perception when, in fact something was impressively and beautifully right.

That revelation hit me like a ton of bricks.

I had been living my life under a shadow of feeling not-enough, of shrinking back because I was trying to fit into spaces that weren’t designed for someone like me. Her words and the dedicated time she spent emphasizing this to me over and over resonated deeply, and I realized I had been holding myself to an unfair standard. My divine design is beautiful, and I should take up the space I was meant to occupy. I’m leaving behind the silence that no longer serves me, reclaiming the space I deserve to heal myself, and serving other black women by showing them that they can take up space authentically.

3. Leaving Behind Extension Hairstyles:

Let’s take a lighthearted detour before we delve into the deeper things. I’m bidding adieu to extension hairstyles. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying I’ll never wear them again, but I’m taking a break. No wigs, no weaves, no extensions. It’s time to give my natural hair a much-needed rest. I’ve been experimenting with knotless braids, crochet braids, and more, and my hair texture seems to be changing. It’s getting thinner, which led me down a rabbit hole of research that first pointed to aging but now is suggesting that it might be a post-COVID effect. Please do your own research on this. It’s a season of simplicity, allowing my hair to breathe and change. Sometimes, we must drop things off for a season to embrace what’s new and necessary for our growth.

4. Leaving Behind Sushi:

Still, on a lighter note, I’m saying goodbye to sushi. My beloved favorite is being indefinitely put on hold. Last week, during a solo self-care getaway, I indulged in my go-to sushi roll, and although it was heavenly, afterward, it gave me a not-so-heavenly experience of leg cramps and brain fog. It turns out my body is no longer as enthusiastic about sushi as my taste buds are. As we age, our bodies react differently to the foods we once loved. Is this change permanent? We’ll see. It’s about adapting to what my body needs at this moment and being open to revisiting if the time presents itself.

5. Leaving Behind Not Intentionally Community Building:

In the past year, I’ve explored the importance of friendships, delving into topics like loneliness, making friends as an adult, and navigating friendship breakups. I intentionally created the community I wanted rather than defaulting to whoever passively crossed my path. I’m revisiting my approach to community building. I’ve learned that authentic connections require intentionality. It’s about maintaining old relationships and cultivating new ones that align with my values and aspirations. It’s about recognizing who truly aligns with my values and aspirations and deliberately fostering those connections. Day ones deserve that attention, and so do the day twos. I’m also leaving behind the nonchalant Olympics I see on social media. So many people are downplaying their excitement or affection in relationships, especially younger generations. We can try to act cool and aloof, as if we’re not interested or invested. But why pretend? If I want to love you, I’ll love you wholeheartedly. If you are designed to receive that love, you will expand and do so. That’s it.

6. Leaving Behind Not Sharing My Story

We live in the stories we tell ourselves.

Psychologists call it a narrative; in the Bible, it’s called a testimony. I’ve come to believe that we can shape our lives by crafting the stories we tell ourselves. I’m choosing to tell myself a story that aligns with the life I want to live. Even if it might seem delusional to others, it’s my story. I’ve set a boundary—I’ll let you live in your reality, and you let me live in mine.

Sharing my story has been an incredible source of liberation. I’ve posted on the internet for years, but the true sense of freedom came when I opened up about my experiences. Over a decade ago, I shared a video on YouTube, confessing I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. It was liberating because I stopped pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I’ve experienced that same sense of freedom when I shared my transition to my natural hair (most of those videos are unlisted now) and my experience as a special needs mom.

Telling our stories is empowering. It connects us with others who might be going through similar experiences. It lets them know they’re not alone. I’m leaving behind the fear of judgment and embracing the freedom and community that comes with sharing my authentic story.

7. Leaving Behind Self-Betrayal

I’m leaving behind self-betraying choices like masks and facades I’ve worn to fit into certain spaces or to please others. No more pretending, no more shrinking back. I’m showing up authentically, without fear of judgment or rejection.

If you leave me because I am me, you were not for me.

Self-betrayal encompasses many actions, one of which is the upper limit problem, introduced to me by Gay Hendricks, the author of the powerful and transformative book The Big Leap. I’ve realized that I’ve placed limits on myself, often due to past beliefs and trauma. When I reach a certain level of success or happiness, I sabotage myself, bringing myself back down to my perceived limits. I’ve struggled with limiting beliefs, especially regarding my business. I internalized negative messages about artists not making money from my family of origin, which hindered my growth. I’m choosing now to flow beyond these self-imposed limits and see what happens next.

Self-betrayal also involves allowing people to cross my boundaries. Boundaries are essential for maintaining healthy relationships and self-respect. Recently, I stood firm when someone tried to push past my boundaries, which felt empowering. Setting boundaries is an act of self-love.

Ignoring my own needs has been a pattern of self-betrayal. I’ve been guilty of prioritizing others over myself. As Roshida Dowe of Exodus Summit mentioned in a recent live video, true freedom is doing what my body, mind, and spirit need in the moment. It’s about honoring my needs without guilt or hesitation.

Negative self-talk and self-criticism are also self-betrayal. Treating others with loving kindness and respect is challenging when I haven’t cultivated the same for myself. It’s essential to break free from the cycle of self-contempt and develop a nurturing relationship with yourself so you can pour that authentically into others.

Self-betrayal includes not pursuing my dreams and passions. It’s time to stop holding back and move toward the life I desire. No more excuses, no more self-sabotage. It’s time to chase my dreams with unwavering determination.

Self-love is the antidote to self-betrayal.

It’s about treating myself with the same compassion, love, and respect I offer others. As I continue on this healing journey, I’m committed to nurturing a deep sense of self-love. It’s not a destination; it’s a daily practice.

8. Leaving Behind Overcomplicating Things – Choosing Struggle – Working to Prove My Value

Overcomplicating situations is a form of self-sabotage. Honestly, simpler solutions often lead to better results. Overcomplicating is a procrastination technique that brings applause from those who do the same but doesn’t lead to real progress. I’m choosing simplicity and action.

Done is better than perfect.

I’m also intentionally choosing the easiest way moving forward. I mentioned this to a loved one a couple years ago, and they laughed at the idea. As mentioned above, if they want to choose struggle as a badge of honor, that is their choice and their story. They get to live in it. I have been, and will continue to, intentionally choose the easiest way and live in the story it creates.

9. Leaving Behind Excuses

Excuses are a way to avoid accountability. I’m leaving behind the habit of making excuses for why I can’t achieve my goals.

Fear and excuses often go hand in hand.

“Fear is excitement without the breath” is a quote by Fritz Perls, founder of Gestalt Therapy, that has resonated with me. This implies that the sensations of fear and excitement are remarkably similar, differing only in the degree of mindfulness we apply. Feeling excitement but failing to engage in deep, conscious breathing can easily transform into fear. Conversely, when confronted with fear, being fully aware of our emotions and taking deliberate breaths can transform that fear into excitement. I can eliminate excuses and move forward purposefully by transforming fear into excitement and taking an intentional breath. “Let my breath be my first word.”

10. Leaving Behind a Heavy Focus on The Past -Regurgitating Pain Points

I’m about to get a bit woo-woo, but stick with me.

The past only exists in your mind. So does the future. In reality, we only exist in the present moment at all times. Your entire life is a perpetual succession of nows.

Focusing too much on the past or constantly regurgitating painful memories keeps us from fully experiencing life in the present and, therefore creating the future we want. My past has influenced my present, and I can influence my future by making intentional choices right now.

Because it’s all I have.

Grasping this concept (chronus versos kairos) can be used to free you when you are anxious or worried.

Make an intentional choice in your now. It is all you have.

11. Leaving Behind Not Showing Up

Sometimes, the win is in the showing up. I’m committed to showing up for myself consistently. A therapist once told me, “You keep stopping! Stop stopping!” and a business coach told me, “Discipline is keeping a promise you made to yourself.” No more backing out of promises I made to myself. I’m committed to showing up for myself consistently. Life may indeed become hectic, and obstacles will arise. However, I’m learning to prioritize my commitments, maintain consistency in my actions, and consciously acknowledge and surpass my upper-limit beliefs to keep moving forward.

12. Leaving Behind Ignoring My Feelings

Feelings are like indicators on the dashboard of life. They aren’t meant to drive the car, but they are meant to indicate that something needs to be addressed and a potential adjustment can be made. I’m letting go of the habit of ignoring my emotions. Instead, I’m giving myself permission to feel the full range of emotions and use them as signals for adjustments in my life.

13. Leaving Behind Overapologizing or Oversharing in Attempt to Create Connection

Over-apologizing and oversharing can be rooted in a desire to connect with others, but it’s important to strike a balance. I’m learning not to apologize excessively or dump too much information on someone in an attempt to be authentic. Authenticity should be shared in a way that respects both my boundaries and the boundaries of others. Over-apologizing and/or oversharing do not create the connected results desired but often can alienate the receiver and overwhelm them. I’m leaving behind a need to strive for connection and will allow authentic connections to flow and not be forced.

14. Leaving Behind Perfectionism

Perfectionism is an unattainable goal and a fancy way to procrastinate. It is self-imposed limitations of imaginary standards that are lterally impossible to meet. I’m letting go of the idea that everything I do must be perfect and embracing the concept that “done is better than perfect.” It’s about taking action and making progress rather than endlessly striving for an elusive state of perfection. Even worse, the self-imposed prison of perfectionism can breed resentment and contempt for others who are making progress imperfectly, and I’m leaving it all behind.

15. Leaving Behind Thinking I Need to (1) Do Everything (2) Doing it Alone

I recognize that I don’t have to shoulder the burden of everything alone. The belief that I must know how to do something perfectly before seeking help or putting it into the world is an off-shoot of perfectionism, and we have already discussed its insidious and self-limiting ways. I’m leaving it all behind. Instead, I’m embracing the power of community and asking for assistance when needed. I will be comfortable being seen trying, and at times failing, and iterating, and trying again.

16. Leaving Behind Giving Endless Chances At My Own Expense

While forgiveness is essential, I realize I don’t have to continually give chances to people who repeatedly take advantage of my kindness and compromise my well-being. Love doesn’t mean unlimited access, especially when it’s harming me. I’m continuing to set and enforce boundaries. People deserve love, not access.

17. Leaving Behind Trying to Save People

Being the perpetual “savior” for others is a pattern I’m leaving behind. It’s not my responsibility to rescue everyone. Jesus has already saved them, and they can have that salvation (healing … sozo) if they so desire. Each individual has their own journey, and I can’t save them anyway. Besides, focusing on them was a way of not focusing on the inner work of self-mastery and growth that I needed to embark on. I can better serve myself and others by retiring my Captain-Save-A-Ho title and worrying about myself and my clients (aka those who asked for help).

18. Leaving Behind Diminishing What’s Already In My Hand

I’m recognizing the value of what I already possess. Just as The LORD asked Moses, “What’s that in your hand?” when he was griping about not-enoughness, Moses replied, “A walking stick,” then God gave him instructions: I have unique talents, resources, and opportunities right now. I don’t need more to be impactful; I am enough at this moment. Embracing the abundance of the present allows me to create and contribute confidently. I will elevate whatever is in my hand at that moment because it is what I need to get me where I am going.

19. Leaving Behind Living in the Wrong Story

We live in the story we tell ourselves.

Many of us, including myself, have spent a long time living in a story given to us. No more. I am letting go of any negative, self-defeating narratives that hinder my growth and potential. Instead, I choose to adopt the story that empowers me, aligns with my true self, and leads to an expansive life of authenticity and impact. I refuse to dwell in any narrative that doesn’t serve my highest purpose.

20. Leaving Behind Current, Westernized, Colonized Church Culture

Although I’ve never read my Bible more than I do now, and my faith in God remains unwavering, I’m intentionally shedding the constraints of Westernized and colonized interpretations of the church. My goal is not to please man but to get closer to God’s heart. I’m moving away from dogma and tradition that doesn’t align with my personal connection to the divine. I’m humbling myself and letting go of the arrogance that I, a mere human, can fully comprehend the vastness of God, clinging to rigid doctrines and religious frameworks. I acknowledge that my ways and thoughts are limited compared to God’s, and I embrace the mystery of faith. I’m seeking a direct and personal relationship with the divine and allowing God to show me what that is for me.

21. Leaving Behind Thinking I Don’t Have a Choice

One of the most powerful realizations I’ve had is the understanding that I always have a choice. I’ve redefined joy as the confidence that I possess the agency to create the life I desire. This joy is rooted in knowing that I have options, even when faced with challenges or setbacks. No matter how far down a certain path I may have traveled, I can always choose a different direction. I refuse to despair, for in God’s presence, I find the fullness of joy and the assurance of agency. You have choices, and you have the power to create the life you want. Embrace your agency, and as Alecia Renece said, “You’re not in the ground; you’re among the living. Live.”

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🤎 If you’re a black woman or know someone who could use a dose of healing and inspiration, share this post with them and spread the word.

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You’re welcome. 🍍✨